you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
