Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I think i got beer on your cat.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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