hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
