I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
