she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
