don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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