remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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