remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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