Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
