Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Randomize
