Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Randomize
