i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
It's blow job season.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
