i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
