Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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