we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
