I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
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