The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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