'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
