If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
