Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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