I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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