after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
