I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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