Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
