when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
