Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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