I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
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