If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
