i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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