I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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