Your face is a jimmy john
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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