2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
