I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
