Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
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