hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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