just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
