I think scott just propositioned me for sex
My hand turned me down
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
