i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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