Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
We left an ass print on the piano.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
