i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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