mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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