Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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