Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
