My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
