he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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