Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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