I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
