3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
