apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
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