phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
She bit a glass in half.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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