Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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