Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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