What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
