We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
honey bunches of taint.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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