You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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