Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
