There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
