I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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