maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Boobs are out for the taking
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Randomize
