I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
