So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
